either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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