So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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