apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
