Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
