Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
