I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
