My room smells like vodka and shame
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
