Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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