omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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