that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
