Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
