I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
