I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
