you guys were way drunker than both of me
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
