I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
