I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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