new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
