i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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