Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
