I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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