omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
