dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
