I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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