Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
