I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
