You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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