I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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