Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
