i need an iv and a liver transplant
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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