I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
