This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
