you guys were way drunker than both of me
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
