I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
