I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
