the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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