Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
