does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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