I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
