In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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