3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I need moral support for this bender
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Randomize
