Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
