May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
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