my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
the gays at disneyland are vicious
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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