I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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