The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
