Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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