insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
