My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
