I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
