Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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