I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
